Bear with me while i make sense of things

Friday, May 26, 2006

Heartbreak - Goodbye, a final say.

A friend's going through a break up and this is what she wrote;
Do you think it's important to have closure? I think it is,
and we find it in our own different ways.
My friend wrote it all out.

It's painfully heartbreaking for those of you who have been through
something like that i'm sure you'll understand, i do.

"If I could describe the sound of heartbreak, it would be the deathly silence that surrounds the unending reruns in a movie of wasted romance.

Understanding eludes even as the mind searches and sifts and needs, a shadow dark and muted rests and covers the broken shards inside. A Wednesday - not unlike any other day in the middle of every other week - yet it is forever marked as symbol of the day we fell. A mockery perhaps, 10 minutes in one day and a sorry that rings with no answer. Only silence on the other end of the line, a quiet of disbelief as you walked so boldly, coldly and dare I say … rudely - into self-centeredness . Yet I can only wish you well. It is one thing losing a person to everything else, it is another losing a person to the person themself. Where did you go? How did you leave? When? Why? It is so quiet.

I should be angry but a desert of emotions reigns supreme. Mindlessly numb I wait for sweet slumber. I hold the remote but I can’t turn this off - this gray static of nothingness without a hint of the usual hiss.

Did you lie? How much did you lie? Were you still lying to the last second? Were you afraid of the truth or has there been no truth of late? Are you just fickle? Yet why did I feel so warm from your touch and why did you and everything you did and said feel so real when we were shamelessly bare and vulnerable? I’ve been climbing your endless wall for every layer of brick I conquer, you build another for my defeat. Partly, fully or maybe none of it was a fault I gave birth to, but if so I have been punished. Rerun after rerun after rerun.

I cling to a maybe that it is not for a lack of love like you yourself said, but how do I forgive your abandonment of it? Your tears, my tears a whirlpool of regrets and drowning of faith. My stifled cry it does not reach the depths of your apathy … so strong you are. You said I taught you to love yourself, but I did not teach you to be selfish.

When I do cry, I grieve for the us that soared in its own magical poetry. Your smile, your voice just you. Who are you now? You don’t know the answer to that either. It’s just silence. When I rage, I am angry you ran instead of tackled. When I love, I still love no matter that your hand isn’t here for me to hold anymore, because love is not about preconditions, it is supposed to be greater than all that … and that is why when it fails to transcend I cling on to hope. When I hope, I hope that this love I have given was not in vain and that it had touched you somehow … and now though I struggle, it is with love that I wish you well and hope that you fly and find the peace within that you are so desperately seeking.

I am but human and I have a heart that is ill from the your unintended poison. I will one day hopefully find my own peace with this. But I deserve. I deserve and I deserve.

This is my painful goodbye. For now. Forever. To love. I tried my best."

Thursday, February 23, 2006

It's a Vicious Cycle...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

"Someday"

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try turn the tables

I wish you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when

Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)

[Solo]

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when

Bloody relaxants are causing me gastric pain.
It hurts - i ended up sleeping for 45 mins, and then waking up.
Now i'm dizzy and in pain, and wobbly.

My body's breaking down, and it's trying to tell me something.

I think I'm just refusing to 'listen' to it.

I'm sitting here waiting for the effects of 2 muscle relaxants to kick in...
My back hurts like hell, and i've yet to get that appointment with that chiropractor / therapist my uncle alan raves about...

I hope the muscles actually get relaxed among other things.

Everything is twisted, in all sense of the word.

Ever felt so overwhelmed with feelings / emotions and the lack of time that at the end of the day when you go and try and sleep you actually feel NUMB?

"Sometimes when I seem distant and out of touch;
remember that I'm not.
I hold you close to my heart, even on those days
that i forget to tell you so."

I'm numb... was going through old stuff cos I'm in the process of packing up my room, (will be redoing my room so all the hacking will have to take place), and I've aged tremendously, emotionally I'm drained.

So much for taking this last holiday of mine to recharge - I'm so tired you have no idea. And STILL there are things yet to be done.

I miss those days when going out was just fun - just plain fun without a care in the world, and when we do go out it's really just to enjoy the company and time spent... these days time seems to be flying by, and even with the time that's available it's all pretty empty.

Am i going through some 1/4 life crisis or something?

I've always had the sneaking suspicion that i'd die young, so maybe this could be my midlife crisis. *some people would love to slap me right now for talkng / thinking like that - but it's true, I've always had the idea that i'd die young, maybe that's why i do things impulsively at times*

I say live for the moment - is it really that great a thing to live for the moment? What about the future - if you just enjoy the moment and there's no plans for the future what do you do when reality bites?

I think i should spend more time with my family; as much as in comparison to others I do already spend a lot of time with them, it's just different, we've always been close, though there are a lot of things that i keep from my parents, but essentially i'm always there for them. Hope they know that.

Someone said to me today that my priorities just dont seem to be right...

I think i take a lot of things for granted;
I think that behind this projected image of being able to handle things, i am shit scared of what's gonna happen.
I think I dont' know what i want and I'm just getting by.
I think I think too much.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Oh had to say goodbye to my Alfa 156. Have been driving the new car 166 around, but have yet to take come pics of it, will do so soon.

156 i bid thee farewell...


Tuesday - 21 January 2006

Clara's friends came over to "bai nian", our dear Ms Kristel Wang mananged to lock her car keys in the car.

Dad and i managed to break into the car with the use of a wire like hook, and the following are some pictures to show for it.

Of course dad had the magical touch lah huh.





Other than that, CNY has been hectic, my gambling luck hasnt been good, im still recovering from a cough bug, and i've got 3 weeks more in Spore.

Time Flies and I'm hating it.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Well Folks - Happy Chinese New Year to those of you who celebrate it...

I've been busy that's for sure - ask me when you see me and i'll tell you all about it... Time has just been passing WAY! too fast! I've got less than a month left in Spore. "why does this clock seem so alive?"

I've got a funny cough like bug going around in my system, and am on Antibiotics. That means no drinking for the time being lah huh... Oh well.

CNY is just such a busy period for my family and i - we covered a few houses today, and tmr is another long day.

Take care all of you guys!
And may you have a prosperous and blessed new year!

Well Folks - Happy Chinese New Year to those of you who celebrate it...

I've been busy that's for sure - ask me when you see me and i'll tell you all about it... Time has just been passing WAY! too fast! I've got less than a month left in Spore. "why does this clock seem so alive?"

I've got a funny cough like bug going around in my system, and am on Antibiotics. That means no drinking for the time being lah huh... Oh well.

CNY is just such a busy period for my family and i - we covered a few houses today, and tmr is another long day.

Take care all of you guys!
And may you have a prosperous and blessed new year!

Well Folks - Happy Chinese New Year to those of you who celebrate it...

I've been busy that's for sure - ask me when you see me and i'll tell you all about it... Time has just been passing WAY! too fast! I've got less than a month left in Spore. "why does this clock seem so alive?"

I've got a funny cough like bug going around in my system, and am on Antibiotics. That means no drinking for the time being lah huh... Oh well.

CNY is just such a busy period for my family and i - we covered a few houses today, and tmr is another long day.

Take care all of you guys!
And may you have a prosperous and blessed new year!

Monday, January 23, 2006

LIFEHOUSE - YOU AND ME

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Kevin (once again yes) -

The 166 will come in metallic greyish with cream (white) leather interior, it does look very classy and elegant indeed. Totally different look as compared to my current 156 with sporty black interior, and the seats has red stitching as the trimming. Ooh...

Anyway - the Citron C4 haha funky! I test drove the 325 as well, it was zippy, but doesnt have the pull of the Alfa Engine (unless you're talkiing about the M3 / M5 la), and that's what appeals to me. dropping down to 3rd gear on the highway, stepping on the throttle, feeling the surge of power.... ooh! You dont' quite get that from the Bmws or any other car within the same category per se.

Alfa Engines are truly sublime.

The 166 gearbox is rather disappointing cos it's only a 4 speed transmission, i feel that it's inadequate for a 3.0L car. But oh well. the drive is still good. Road holding is steady as usual.

we wanted the 159 as well but it's coming in SO LATE! So we'll settle for the 166 first lah, tho the 159 DOES LOOK Gorgeous. Am looking forward to the Brera tho'...

Ok out for now!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Kevin - let me clarify.

See my 156 has been giving me some problems with the Selespeed gearbox to the extent that it's a safety hazard. Imagine, i can be making a 3 point turn, and get stuck right in the middle of it. ie: it's impossible to engage into gear.

After having written a detailed complaint letter to Euroauto, they've decided to compensate us by replacing our 156. And as we've lost faith in the Selespeed technology, the other 2 alternatives were:

1) Alfa GT 1.8L Manual - OR

2) 166 - 3.0L Auto

As my mum had already got the 630 Convertible, we didnt' want another 2 door car in the house, and therefore opted for the 166 over the GT. Although i was looking forward to driving the manual GT. only drawback is that the 1.8L engine was a tad bit underpowered.

The 166 is for me temporarily - we'll have to get another car end of the year, to replace the old 164 that we have, so maybe then we'll look at the Brera!

Hope all's good with you! Take care now!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I had to go to a shop at Scotts yesterday to exchange a shirt for my mum. THey had given her the wrong size. While i was there, the lady who i was talking to was just oh so annoying, and for a minute i lost my cool. Took a deep breath and spoke really slowly to her and finally got the thing done. After which i thanked her and went off.

This morning i was quite a grouch at the breakfast table; so mum asked me whether i had done the exchange, i said yes - and related to her the situation.

Mum looked at me and said,

"Cheryl, you have to be more patient with people, these are only salesgirls you know, don't expect too much from people, you just gotta let it go."

I frowned at her and said,

"What do you mean they're just salesgirls, it's a very simple request what, exchange and give me back the correct size that i wanted. what's so hard to understand about that...."

Mum cut me off and said,

"i know but If you expect too much from people you're just gonna stress yourself oout over things that are beyond your control. and im worried for you cos you're just gonna be very stressed out, sometimes you just gotta be more patient."

I shut up after that and continued to read my papers.

I think i already know that i expect too much.

is it better to have "no expectations, and thus no disappointment?"

But if people dont' expect anything from you, isnt' that rather sad, cos that kinda implies that they dont' see you 'good enough' to handle stuff?

Ok im in that pensive reflective mode today, i swear it's the fucking weather.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Oh btw getting a new car, it's arriving 23rd Jan just before chinese new year.
So for those that have sat in my current Alfa 156 (Black) - do bid it farewell, I'm rather sad cos this new car ain't as zippy... and it's bigger...

(it's more powerful, but the drive is more comfortable, so i guess you passengers won't be subject to my crazy antics where you get flung around the backseat)

I've been MIA i know, and Zen i apologise.

It's been a crazy past week! I don't know where to start. I can't even if i wanted to. It's a brand new year, I'm trying to fully optimise my time this holiday, but i think i'm not doing too good a job... have yet to get my resume settled yet. Fuck.

Part of me is dreading applying, part of me just can't wait.

I'm confused - it's a new year and i'm confused.

I'm gonna just enjoy everything at this moment, and stop thinking for a while and just Do it.

*Someone told me that i think too much about stuff - i agree*

Sigh.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year Folks! Hope all of you had a good New Year's Eve celebration...

I was / still kinda am down with a stomach flu. =( So the party at my place was really hard to get through, cos i could barely speak, yes poor little weak Cheryl. Its not very often you hear that, but it was true, I was really not functioning.

My dad has a funny view on how sick i was, here's the conversation that took place this afternoon.

Dad: Are you feeling any better today Cheryl? Here's some water, a toast to good health... Last night you looked like you were half dead, like a car trudging along on 3 cylinders, today looks like 4 so take care ok...

Cheryl: Ok thank dad, still a bit nauseous, but alright haha 3 cylinders.

Mum: How many cylinders are you Cheryl?

Dad & Cheryl (in UNison): V6 engine man! 6 cylinders!! damm powerful!

Ok for those who aren't familiar with car lingo, most cars have a V4 engine, with 4 cylinders, Ferraris have a V8 (8 Cylinder engine) and other mor powerful ones even have V10 engines. OK enough about that, just thought it was funny how my sees me as a Car. *thankfully a high performance one*


random thoughts - "As long as the company is good, you can be anywhere and still have a great time!" We may all know that at the back of our minds, but sometimes if after a night / day out, certain things make you realise that even more.

How sick was I - OOh sick man.

I was at Rouge on Friday night, with Weeds, Ruozhi, Wonderline, Pam, Xiaoxi... having already had a good round of drinks prior to that, (where i've learnt the most ridiculous drinking games... Ie: What/ Who/ Huh!!!??? & Shoot -Tee!Tee!Tee!), I was not spared any mercy from Widya who had got 2 bottles of absolut, and we all had to have a great load of drinks man.

By the end of the night around 3, i was pretty much gone, and weeds was kinda enough to send me home in my car, and RZ followed us so that Weeds could be sent back.

Woke up the next morning at 7-ish, and had a massive attack of diarrhoea, then went back to sleep, and within an hour had to throw up. intially i thought it was a Hangover, but after having spent the entire morning curled up like a ball, breaking out in cold sweat and having had to to vomit (12 TIMES!!!) and Shit (9 Times!!) i knew it couldnt' be a Hangover. So i finally trudged downstairs at 2 pm, and my Grandma took one look at me and told me to see a doctor immediately.

Clara drove me, and unfortunately all the Docs were closed, so i had to settle for a Pharmacist, really didnt wanna go to MT Alvernia. Anyway, got some medication and went back to rest. Was down the whole day.

Couldnt' even stand being around the smell of food, it would send me straight to the toilet bowl.

oh another random thought:

Sam once asked me this question -
"If you had to shit and vomit at the same time, which one gets the toilet bowl priority?" (well it was something to that effect la)

Being rather amused, i looked at her as she had the most random and out of point questions to ask, but replied, well i guess I'd shit into the toilet bowl, cos vomit ain't so disgusting to clean up from the floor.

Well i had to actually make a conscious decision yesterday, so my solution, was to...

Sit on the toilet bowl, and hold this dustbin (with a plastic bag obviously) on my lap so that i could deal with the "situation(s)".

Ok so that's pretty much all that has been going on with me, do hope that i get back to my normal mode soon k.

May all of you have a Happy and Blessed New Year! And may we all continue to savour life's moments and take things in our stride, and enjoy the COMPANY and Journey called life that we're all travelling along...

Out for now!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Met up with Ms Ho today to collect my present, the infamous one that has been the cause of a lot of grief for me. Haha! It's a calender that contains 6 Photos of sam, me and various friends... But Sam thanks It's a lovely gift.




Oh and Sam - see my jeans ARE REALLY Size 26 - But i swear it's the cut lah. Just had to prove my point haha!

BAck from Langkawi - too many pics, here's a little first.

Carol and dad got to feed a manta ray - i thought that sticking my hand into it's HUGE ass mouth was a tad bit too scary. THat's dad's hand.



A visit to a Kelong (fish farm) where you get to catch your own fish for lunch. That's a seabass Dad's holding - see the faces of contentment,

A man, a Fish and his woman...


just a candid shot taken while we were waiting for dad to catch our lunch.



Our family on our Mangrove Swamp boat trip.


What a way to spend Christmas, we were having a Mangrove Swamp tour, followed by some reef fishing, this time round i'm holding on to our catch, 22 relatively small fishes, but oh wel it's still something.